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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  April 23, 2015 9:50am-10:22am PDT

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ed my body. >> tonightly, it's "earth day," or as republicans call it "the science still isn't conclusive day." and as everyone calls it, "earth day, my favorite holiday -- after christmas, halloween easter, flag day, arbor day, secretary's day and canadian thanksgiving." do you need me to continue? and finally, california is running out of water. just tell me they won't run out before they get a chance to make that "full house" reboot! everybody separate your plastics from your cardboards. this is "the nightly show "-- let's do this! captioning sponsored by comedy central
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>> yes thank you very much. thank you. [ applause ] >> thank you. thank you very much. >> welcome to "the nightly show." we got the writing and the props all in order for tonight. we have discussed it all and it's all in good shape >> we're going to starts the show with a new segment: (singing) "black people can't do nothin'!" >> "black people can't do nothin'!" >> ok. >> today's thing black people can't do? ride bicycles. >> according to the tampa bay times, in the past three years tampa police have written more
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than 2500 bike tickets. and a new investigation shows that 8 out of 10 of those tickets were issued to -- >> wait. does anyone care to venture a guess who 8 our 10 of those tickets were issued to? keep in mind that this segment is called, "black people can't do nothin'!" >> blp. >> ahead out of 10 were issued to black members of the community. >> we have a winner. it was the negroes. and that's right. 8 out of 10 were black. that's an amazing number. white people haven't avoided getting tickets for something that much since black "annie." you know it's true. you know it's treu. i didn't even see it. that's an inclusive joke. according to the report, police
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were stopped black cyclists for things like riding too slowly and riding with no hands. what's worse is what happened to some of the bike riders after the police pulled them over. >> we found one 54-year-old man who was riding on his bicycle and an officer could confiscated the bicycle because he could not produce a receipt to prove it was his. they pulled a brother over on a bicycle and ask for his receipt? come on, cops. you can't even peddle while black. well tampa police want to kongts you because you obviously must have solved every other crime. what's next? we can't segway while black? actually a brother should never get on a segway. just blast that. all right. this has been "black people can't do nothin'!" >> "black people can't do nothin'!" >> whoa.
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>> what happened to the jingle? it got so sad. well once it sinks in, "black people can't do nothin'!" now to something i'm really excited about. it's earth day. [cheering] yeah, so we brought back our nightly show backup singers, the nightlytes. hid it, ladies. ♪ ♪ >> hey, planet, it's your earf day -- we going to party like it's earf day. recycle bottles like it's earf day. and you know we don't give a [bleep] because it's earf day. >> larry: hold on, ladies. hold on. that was good. hold on. that was great. but it sounds like you're saying "earf" day, not "earth" day. >> uhm, i'm not sure what you're talking about. >> you're saying "earf" day. >> i think we're saying the same >> we are enunciating. >> i don't know what you're
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talking about. >> i'm just going to lead you in and you're going to say one small part of the song ok? >> ok. >> aplanet, it's your -- >> earf day. >> what did you say? >> earf day. >> exactly. >> you said earf day, not earth day. >> we're just going to have to agree to disagree. >> ok. get out of here you guys. get out of he ever. it's not earf day. >> it's earth day. >> california is looking at a dry earth day. california is going through the worst drought in1200 years. >> 1200 years, who is keeping weather reports 1200 years ago? witches? man, that sounds pretty bad. well, how much water do these californians need? can't we just send them a few
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cases of the sun? i'll put it on my credit card. i got this. >> 11 trillion rains of rain water are needed to pull the state out of this crises. >> you know my card has expired. >> i mean i will get the next drought. >> you know i'm actually very concerned about this because i'm in california all the time. just tell me what i need to do to help. i will do anything. >> the governor today said do not flush the toilet after every flushing. >> doesn't seem too considerate to the next person. how about i cut my triple flush to a double? i'll cut out the second courtesy flush. i'm just trying to help. well, exactly how much longer can you last on your current supply of water? 10, 20 years? >> california has one year left of water.
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>> one year left of water? people must be panic being in the streets. they must be under martial law out there. >> beverly hills does not take water lightly. they have asked residents to stop hoagz down driveways. you're waiting in the the last year of water to stop hosing down your driveways? >> since the isn't isn't enforcing water laws some people are taking matters into their own phone holding hands. >> california residents are seriously turning on their neighbors through their states drought crises. they post video, even names, even addresses of the people of these offenders online using #droughtshaming. >> calm down, posting their addresses? they're water wasters, not not pedophiles. who are the heros behind this movement? >> i'm a water crusader, a self-appointed water batman on his free time.
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>> riding around open his bike. >> when i see this i follow it to the source. this is what water detective? on the scene of probably 50 water massacres. >> water massacre? this isn't "the trail of tears." in part because a trail of tears involves moisture. >> do you ready need to do that in the middle of a drought? i'll be back for your address. i've been waiting to catch you lady. >> now i know what you're thinking. is he single? calm down ladies. ok. so this guy is a bit of a jerk. but he kind of has a point. maybe shame is all we have left to make people understand how bad of problem california is facing. here to help us understand california's drought crises is real life drought shamer thomas keen. >> thanks for being here, thomas. so thomas you're a drought
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shamer? >> wrong, larry. i'm a "water crusader." >> >> so you just ride around all alone on your bike yelling at people? >> i wasn't alone earlier. i was with my friend greg but he's black. he got busted for riding without a receipt. that's on him. always got to have your bike receipt. >> yeah, that sounds unfortunate. >> them's the rules. >> it is the rules. >> sorry. i got car wash violator up ahead. hey, hosey o'donnell, shut that thing off! you're driving a damn daewoo. you don't need to wash that piece of crap. >> i got him. busted. >> thomas you sound a little harsh. >> harsh is the only language these people understand. it's time to wake up, california. >> well, isn't it unfair to -- to take people's addresses? >> hold that thought. i got a couple of little guys
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have a water gunfight on my six. don't you know we're almost out of water, you little idiots? oh, you're going to cry now? why don't you fill up your squirt gun with tears! >> thomas thomas! calm down, thomas. no, don't take pictures of the kids. thomas, those are winner. >> busted them, larry. busted them. that was a water holocaust i just dealt w. >> i just want to know if you think shaming people is really the answer. >> i'm getting a call on my crusader phone. >> yeah. son of a bitch. on my way. >> what's wrong. >> just got word the other crusaders there's a grandma's about to get an iv at cedars-sinai. selfish battle axe. >> whoa, whoa, whoa. that's somebody's grandmother you're talking about! >> big deal, what about mother earth? she's everybody's grandmother! gotta roll. >> i'm going to kill you. >> thomas, the water crusader
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everybody. we'll be right back. don't go after that lady. recently, a 1954 mercedes-benz grand prix race car made history when it sold for a record price of just under $30 million. and now, another mercedes-benz makes history selling at just over $30,000. and to think this one actually has a surround-sound stereo. the 2015 cla. see your authorized mercedes-benz dealer for exceptional offers through mercedes-benz financial services.
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t. and it's incredible island staff. (father:) i can't imagine life without them. this is not goodbye. ♪ yes, it is. ♪ (father:) no, it isn't... ♪ ok, i guess it's not. ♪ you got it booking right. booking.com booking.yeah >> joining our panel tonight very funny comedian, just released his new album up is the very funny comedian, he's just released his new album "effable" on itunes, guy branum. starring in "clinton, the musical" comedian and actress judy gold. and he's a former nba star and
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now the mayor of sacramento california, mayor kevin johnson. [ applause ] >> tonight we're talking about california's drought. first i would like to show you some photos. here are some striking before and after photos from the lake oroville region in northern california. check out the difference in water levels between 2011 and 2014. that is three years. look at that. that's amazing. right? i'm from california. i was just there. i don't think people are changing their ways too much. see people watering all kinds of stuff. really not taken seriously. if you ask people around the country, they go, ok, why aren't people taking this that seriously? >> water is free. it feels like it's free. just turn it -- it's hard to take some things seriously when you poop into it. [laughter] that's why i broke up with
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derek. >> going to get personal. is it that we just take it for granted. >> we take everything for granted in this country. and the other thing is people don't believe in science. like that congressman that brought a snowball into congress. oh there's no climate change. look, oh, my god you're brilliant. the problem is that they think that jesus or god or whoever is going to be like ok, you ran out of water, here you go, here is some bread, here is everything it's all coming from heaven. that's what they believe. i'm not kid. >> mayor you're in california. what are you guys dog there to solve this? are you going to hire jesus to solve this? is this a science problem or -- >> larry, first of all you know it's the nba playoffs. >> we're going to talk about basketball? >> so -- >> so you don't care about this stuff right now? >> we got two drought problems. our basketball team hasn't made the playoffs in many years so we
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have a drought for the playoffs. >> nice segue. >> so do the new york 96. >> they have made the playoffs recently. >> you're going to torture me with basketball talk? i thought we were dealing with real issues! >> wait. the 96 not winning in 40 years is almost sadder than the drought. >> i think we're done talking about the drought. >> you asked about jesus helping with the drought. he could turn water into wine. if he could turn california's water into wine, we would be fine. >> don't do it like that. jesus pouring the wine. i'm fascinated at how much -- how crops take up so much water. one that god me was about
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almonds. 10 percent of california's water goes to almond farming. your family has an almond farm, right? can we blame your family for the drought. >> that's why he is "nuts"? [laughter] shut up! you think of stuff on the spot here. >> my parents no longer harvest their almonds. i think the problem is primarily women's magazines that -- >> women's magazine? >> they solve every problem with almonds. like oh, you need a healthy breakfast? eat nine almonds. snack responsibly at parties, eat nine almonds. we need to address this problem at the source. have jenny mccarthy tell women to stop autism. [ applause ] >> nightly show asserts almonds. look it is true that agriculture is a major deal for california.
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that's where most of the water goes. can we just have fried food from now on? >> well we have fined kentucky fried chicken for using too much water. we're serious about -- >> you know that water just to wash that chicken down. >> i tell you what literally for sacramento, agriculture which guy knows is a major industry, we're the 7th largest economy in the world, in california, and we have to balance our water use because it's our farmers and our vineyards and our ranchers, all grow food for everybody around the world which is really important, so in sacramento what we have tried to do is to do the small things that you need to do well, like turning off the water when you brush your teeth and take shorter showers. >> and give notice. >> why do they hate me? why? >> >> we are also giving rebates to people who are doing things with the toilet in a good way that are energy efficient.
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>> you just set him up. >> exactly. >> there's a lot from three days ago and here is a rebate. >> are there things that -- we're so -- we are things that we just don't want to do to conserve water. judy do you have anything, i don't compare what they say. if they say water is leaving us tomorrow, what do you not want to give up? >> well, i really don't want to give up wine. i know that that is part of the -- you know you can get wine from other places. >> i know, but the wine from california is so good. and you know, i -- sometimes i need to flush like you were saying i need to flush more. i'm a large person. and i have teenage boys. you have to flush that. i'm sorry. i can't -- i can't! guys, anything? >> i cannot give up southern california pool parties. like pool parties. how am i supposed to say it gets
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better to a kid in the midwest if there's no chance of him going to the hold hills and getting into a pool with an a-list actor. >> that makes sense. kevin? anything? >> pool parties or pool parties? >> pool parties. after listening to these two i'm not sure you guys are welcome back to california in all seerts. >> the witness: i think i may be willing to cut back on my five hour showers. we will be right back. ted's morning was not going well and when his battery light lit up- it went from bad to worse. but a quick pit stop to autozone- where they check that for free-
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>> welcome back. we're going to play a fame right now called which takes more water ok? kind of a celebration of earth day. i'm going to name two things and you tell me which one takes more to be produced. if you get it right you get to drink water. if you get it wrong you have to eat a sal teen. if you're going to simulate drought traditions. >> this is such a jewish game. we eat that for everything. >> and just to start off you have to eat two crackers. and i will ask the first question: eat them up. come on. you got it? >> come on, you can do it. >> there's no water. no water. >> put that right there. >> eat another cracker.
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>> >> ok. which -- judy, listen up. which takes more water, a pound of avocado or a pound of -- >> avocado? >> avocado. >> it's avocado. >> yes. ok. >> eat another cracker. >> 74 pounds. what is going on over here. >> i was just enjoying my water. >> filling up a large kiddie pool or making a 50 foot garden hose. which one requires more water. >> quickly. >> 50 foot hose. >> the hose. >> hose. >> i'm going to go with pool. >> eat the cracker. hose. ok. it takes 38 gallons to make the
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hose. >> kiddie pool, 250 geals. here is one that i did not know. a loaf of bread or one greek yogurt. >> greek yogurt. >> ok. >> greek yogurt. >> loaf of bread, it takes 13 gallons of water to make a loaf of bread. and 90-gallons to make greek yogurt. you didn't get it right. >> i said greek yogurt. >> i heard you. ok. we have time for one more. here is a good one. a barrel of deer or a car. this is for all of the crackers. >> for all of the crackers. >> that's like a funny thing. >> which one is it, barrel of beer or car. >> beer. >> beer. >> car. >> car. >> it's the car. >> 39,000 -- come on, guys it's a car. 39,000. all of the crackers. all of the crackers. we will be right back after
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>> ok. that's all of the time we have for tonight. thanks to our panelists, guy branum. judy gold and mayor johnson. give them a nice round of. [ applause ] >> [ applause ] finally tonight, as those of you who follow us on twitter now one writer on my staff life tweets the show each night. tonight that writer is tim seidell. so "follow" @nightlyshow on twitter and join in the live tweet. and if facebook is more your
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thing "like" the nightly show to keep track of everything we're doing online. good nightly, everyone. [cheering] (heavy panting) well, that was fun. amy, you all right? i don't know. what's up? i think i just thought that i would be more like the focal point? huh. were you not the focal point? no, no definitely not. like, i just-- it never even occurred to me that you would be penetrating phil.

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